Bring Him Back
by A. Zap
Summary: Dean knew that he should have burned it from the beginning. However, considering all that Cas had done, Dean can't help but wonder why he kept Cas's trenchcoat. A short introspective, general fic. Takes place after 7x10. Rating due to Dean's swearing.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. If I did, Castiel would be in a lot more episodes.**

* * *

><p><span>Bring Him Back<span>

Dean knew he should have burned it from the beginning.

After all, that was one of the cardinal rules of hunting: you don't keep things that belong to dead people.

Well, he had kept Dad's leather jacket before it got destroyed, but that was his father's. Of course, he had kept one of Jo's shotguns, but she had been like a little sister to him. And yeah, he was keeping one of Bobby's flasks, but that man had often been more of a father to him and Sam than their real one.

So why had he kept Cas's goddamn trenchcoat?

Dean stared at the trenchcoat that he had grabbed out of their most recent stolen car and unfolded. This was not the first night that he had pulled it out, and it probably wouldn't be the last. He found himself getting it out on the nights when he was feeling his worst. He always made sure Sam didn't notice, but he couldn't hide how he kept transferring it from vehicle to vehicle. Luckily, his brother had decided not to comment on it.

Dean didn't really know why he had kept it. From the get-go, Cas was different from the others.

He and Castiel hadn't met under the best circumstances, and they only met due to Cas saving his bacon. The two had gotten close and before Cas got dragged back to Bible Camp, he had thought they were becoming friends. Then Cas had reverted back to how he was when they first met.

Castiel had rebelled and fallen for Dean. He had given up everything he had and everything he knew just for Dean. Dean wanted to say that it was for the sake of humanity or the world, which probably played a role, but Cas had always tried to make it clear that it was for Dean.

Castiel had died for Dean. Twice.

Then the mess of the past year had happened. Cas had brought Sam back to life, but he forgot his soul. He had broken Sam's wall, which was threatening Sam's life even now. Cas had made a deal with _Crowley_. He had opened Purgatory, declared himself God, and even though he came to his sense and gave back the souls, he brought the Leviathans to this world and left Dean and Sam to clean up his mess.

He had died trying to fix his mistakes, trying to win Dean's forgiveness. He died thinking that Dean hated him. And it looked like the third time was the charm.

Dean didn't know how he feels or thinks about Cas. There's too much history, too many emotions, just too much between them, both said and unsaid.

Some of what Cas had done was understandable. After all, Cas used him, Sam, and Bobby as examples of how to use free will and act like a human. They had all made deals with demons, so as far as the angel knew, it was alright to make deals if you were desperate enough.

The thing that hurt the most, besides what Cas had done to Sam, was the fact that Castiel had gone to Crowley instead of him. Now, he couldn't exactly say that he would have welcomed Cas with open arms if he had appeared at Lisa's, especially with that kind of news. Still, it was the principle of the thing.

Of course, looking back, he still didn't know the exact circumstances of him making that deal with Crowley. He knew it had something to do with the civil war with Raphael, but every time Cas had tried to explain more about the war or his deal, Dean had shut him down. Even before he found out about the deal.

Actually, now that Dean thought about it, he may have acted like a bit of a dick to Cas that entire year after Sam showed back up.

_Well, it's not like I can do anything about it now_, Dean thought as he clutched the trenchcoat a bit tighter.

He could still see Cas not being Cas. Instead, he had declared himself God, and it was obvious that those Purgatory souls had crushed down the real Castiel, so it was like he being ridden and possessed like some poor sap. Yet Cas was able to beat back the souls and return them. Dean could remember seeing Cas's collapsed body on the ground, not breathing or with a pulse. Had he even been alive at that point?

Still, Cas had come back. He had opened his eyes and for a moment, Dean had been stupid enough to believe that everything would be alright.

The only thing worse than seeing Cas being ridden by Purgatory souls was seeing him dying as the Leviathans destroyed him from the inside out, as the Leviathans truly possessed him and walked him into that lake.

All that was left was this goddamn, stupid trenchcoat.

And, of course, questions. Why had Cas done all this? How had Dean let things get so bad? Why had God let all of this happen in the first place?

How would Dean ever forgive himself, much less Cas?

Dean lay down on the bed and curled up around the trenchcoat, holding it close. Beneath the blood and Leviathan goo, he could still catch a whiff of Cas's scent: rain and that warm, musty smell that birds have. Despite himself, he couldn't help but take some measure of comfort from it.

Castiel may have betrayed him, but he had saved him so many more times.

Even now that he was gone, Cas was still saving him.

And that's why Dean wouldn't throw out or burn the goddamn thing. How screwed up is it that you don't realize how much you need someone until they are gone?

Dean needed Cas.

But Cas was gone.

"Dammit, Cas." Dean muttered into the tan fabric, feeling heat prickling at his eyes but refusing to let any tears fall.

Dean was losing everyone he cared about, one way or another. Yet for some reason Cas was hitting him the hardest, even harder than Bobby.

It was times like this when Dean wished that he couldn't feel anything.

Before when Cas had died, he had come back. With everything that had happened this time, Dean didn't think that asshole God would be bringing him back this time.

Yet Dean couldn't handle this. For some reason, he still had some stupid, childish belief that if only Cas were here, things would be better. That there would actually be a chance at fixing things if only Cas was here.

Dean wanted to fix things. He wanted to fix Sam; he wanted to fix things between him and Cas; he wanted to fix the world that the Leviathans were taking by storm.

Was this all too much to ask? He had given so much, lost so much, couldn't he have just one thing?

Dean could feel himself surrendering to sleep, and held onto the trenchcoat, his lifeline, his link to Castiel.

"Goddammit." He whispered as he gripped the trenchcoat tight, "Bring him back."

Dean fell asleep, not noticing the single tear that had managed to escape.

* * *

><p>Miles away from where Dean was, a man with dark hair and vibrant blue eyes walked out of a river. He had no memories and no clothes, but for a moment, a face flashed through his mind along with a single name.<p>

_Dean._

Then it was gone as a woman standing nearby gave a small shriek at the state of him. He forgot about that single moment.

He wouldn't have any other flashes of memories for several months.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Just a quick introspective Dean piece. I had done one about Cas before Season 6 started, so here's one for Dean in the aftermath of it. It obviously takes place after 7x10 as Bobby basically just died. I made it so that this was when Cas was brought back, when Dean was elsewhere at his lowest point, because it never says exactly when he was brought back, only that he had been back for "several months." Vague much? Anyway, it means that he wasn't brought back right away. Thus, this was born from that and the one interview where Jensen and Jared said that Dean totally slept with the trenchcoat. How devoted of him! Though I only put as much Destiel that's in the show. Still, hope you enjoyed. Happy Holidays!<em>


End file.
